Woven Webs

There is no denying our relationship is odd.  And often strained at times, because of its certain constraints.  I consider myself a decent judge of character and even though I’ve been drawn to some fairly messy people before, at the core, I know there is always good. 

She is wading through a storm, right now and probably for a while and her methods of coping and general flailing about are so intense, so hard to understand.  I know for a fact that she has gone through certain trials in life that have left her needing to fill the void, yell a little louder and try to play catch up to ensure she is always enough.  Her choices would never be my own.  We are, in so many ways, so very different.

There is something there, though, that I can’t explain or make sense of and I don’t know how to defend it.  I am certain there is good in her, and I am certain of how strongly she feels about me.  I feel for her too though sometimes it is easily masked by confusion and resentment because our situation is far from ideal.

I want to shake her and tell her to realize who she hurts when she acts the way she does.  I also want to give her my shoulders and arms when she needs them because I can see it, behind her eyes.  Such sadness.  Such regret.  She is in very deep and she needs compassion, even if she has a hard time finding it in herself.

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Despite it all, she is my up for anything girl.  She is someone who, if she can make it happen, will drop everything and jump on a plane, a train, a bus or in a car and head somewhere completely irrational.  Stay in Vegas a few extra days?  Why not?  Head into a city 2 hours away for a concert with literally an hour to get ready and go?  There is absolutely not a second thought.  Midnight on a Wednesday, she tells me to get on a train and meet her in NYC.  We are so, so different.  She jars everything in me that needs to know, plan and understand every step.  She has shown me how much fun it can be to not worry at all. 

We sit sideways, after a mix-up with the train schedule and having spent over an hour in a sushi bar eating spicy tuna roles and drinking vodka, facing each other in the train seat as I reveal more of my plans for the next six months.  She is so incredibly supportive, I am almost mad at myself for thinking it would be otherwise.   She tells me she wishes she could give me what I want but understands why she can’t.  Her voice breaks and she looks at the floor.  I am just going to miss you so very much. 

I could pretend I don’t feel the same for sanity’s sake.  It’s the opposite of the truth.

You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what’s a life, anyway? We’re born, we live a little while, we die. A spider’s life can’t help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone’s life can stand a little of that.

Charlotte, “Charlotte’s Web”